…but there is something good in every day.”
Today, I woke up happy. I had a great day at work. And then, at 2pm, I hit a hard funk.
I couldn’t tell you what caused it but I just started getting very negative voices happening upstairs; “you’re not good enough / you’re not achieving anything / why are you bothering / why should anyone listen to what you have to say / you’re still fat / those clothes look shit”, you know how it goes.
So much of the time now, I’m strong enough to realise that those words don’t serve me and I can throw it off. But today, I wasn’t that strong. It hit me hard and it dragged me down. I was in the middle of town and suddenly, all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball. I wanted to scream and cry all at once. I wanted to nap but also run really fast until my lungs were on fire.
Unfortunately, being 24 years old and not 4, it would have been frowned upon for me to do any of those spontaneously (talk about double standards?!) so instead I had to carry on. I focused on all of the things that normally un-funk me; blasting my sing-a-long songs in my headphones, walking in the fresh air, mentally planning my next trip, imagining living in Bali. I’ve heard Tony Robbins speak about “Changing Your State” and I was trying so hard but it wouldn’t work and I couldn’t shift it which caused me to deflate me more. I don’t like not being good at something and when I can’t succeed, I get frustrated!
By the time I got home, I was completely mentally exhausted. It was 6pm and I was knackered from this ferocious argument I was having in my head; the positive trying so hard to overpower the negative. So I messaged one of my best friends, and she reminded me that it is OKAY to not be happy every single day. Sometimes you just gotta let the feelings flow and roll with it which is actually equally as challenging for me. Having recovered from depression, I feel like I should be happy 100% of the time and when I get down days, I’m terrified that it’s the beginning of a landslide back down into the dark.
I don’t really have a lesson to learn from today, nor do I feel more myself as I get this off my chest but maybe you guys might have some advice for me for the future.
(The something good from today, as per the title, is that I tried to clothes shop earlier and was fitting into things that are 5 sizes smaller than I was wearing 5 months ago!)